The Ethics of Chivalry
Issue 67 April 2010
Islam is not a religion of empty laws and strictures but one which points towards a higher ethical order.
In the literature discussing Futuwwa, which has been translated as Muslim chivalry, there is the story of a young man who was engaged to marry a particularly beautiful woman. Before the wedding day, his fiancée was afflicted with a severe case of chicken pox which left her face terribly disfigured. Her father wrote to him informing him of the situation and asking if he preferred to call off the wedding. The young man replied that he would still marry his daughter, but that he had recently experienced a gradual loss of sight, which he feared would culminate in blindness.
The wedding proceeded as planned and the couple had a loving and happy relationship until the wife died twenty years later. Upon her death the husband regained his eyesight. When asked about his seemingly miraculous recovery he explained that he could see all along. He had feigned blindness all those years because he did not want to offend or sadden his wife.
From our jaded or cynical vantage points it is easy to dismiss such a story as a preposterous fabrication. To do so is to miss an important point that was not lost to those who circulated and were inspired by this and similar tales. Namely, our religion is not an empty compilation of laws and strictures. The law is important and willingly accepting it is one of the keys to our salvation. However, the law is also a means to point us toward a higher ethical end. We are reminded in the Qur’an, “Surely, the prayer wards off indecency and lewdness.”(29:45)
The Prophet Muhammad mentioned concerning the fast, “One who does not abandon false speech and acting on its imperatives, God has no need that he gives up his food and drink.” (Al-Bukhari) These narrations emphasise that there is far more to Islam than a mere adherence to rulings.
This is especially true in our marriages. Too many Muslims are involved in marriages that devolve into an empty observation of duties and an equally vacuous demand for the fulfillment of rights. While such practices are laudable in their proper context, when they are divorced from kindness, consideration, empathy, and true commitment they define marriages that become a fragile caricature. Such relationships are irreparably shattered by a silly argument, a few wrinkles on the face, unwanted pounds around the waist, a personality quirk or a whimsical desire to play the field to see if one can latch on to someone prettier, wealthier, younger, or possibly more exciting than one’s spouse.
These are issues that affect men and women. However, we men must step up and do our part to help to arrest the alarmingly negative state of gender relations in our communities. The level of chivalry the current crisis demands does not require that we pretend to be blind for twenty years. However, it does require some serious soul searching, and it demands that we ask ourselves some hard questions. For instance, why are so many Muslim men averse to marrying older or previously married women? The general feeling among the women folk in our communities is that if you are not married by the age of twenty-five, then you have only two chances of being married thereafter –slim and none. This sentiment pervades our sisters’ minds and hearts because of the reality they experience. Many brothers who put off marriage until they are past thirty-five will oftentimes marry someone close to half their age, passing over a generation of women who are intellectually and psychologically more compatible with them and would prove wiser parents for their children.
Despite this problem, and the clear social, psychological and cultural pathologies it breeds, many of us will hasten to give a lecture reminding our audience of the fact that Khadija, the beloved wife of our Prophet, was fifteen years his senior. We might even mention that she and several of his other wives were previously married. Why is it that what was good enough for our Prophet is repugnant to ourselves or our sons?
A related question would be, “Why are so many of our brothers so hesitant to marry strong, independent and intellectually astute women?” Many women in the West lack the support of extended family networks, which is increasingly true even in the Muslim world. Therefore, they must seek education or professional training to be in a position to support themselves if necessary, or to assist their husbands; an increasingly likely scenario owing to the nature of work in postindustrial societies. This sociological fact leads to women in the West generally manifesting a degree of education and independence that might not be present among women in more traditional societies and times – even though such societies are rapidly disappearing.
Many Muslim men will pass over talented, educated women who are willing to put their careers and education on hold, if need be, to commit to a family. The common reason given is that such women are too assertive, or they are not the kind of women the prospective husband’s mother is used to. As a result a significant number of our sisters, despite their beauty, talent, maturity, and dynamism are passed over for marriage in favour of an idealised, demure “real” Muslim woman. The social consequences of this practice are extremely grave for our community.
Again, we can ask ourselves, “To what extent does this practice conform to the prophetic model?” Our Prophet was surrounded by strong, assertive and independent women. His beloved Khadija, who we have previously mentioned, was one of the most successful business people in the Arabian Peninsula, and her wealth allowed the Prophet to retreat to the Cave of Hira where he would receive the first revelation.
Ayesha, despite her young age was an assertive, free-spirited, intellectual powerhouse who would become one of the great female scholars in history. The foundation for her intellectual greatness was laid by the Prophet himself who recognised her brilliance. Zainab bint Jahsh ran a “non-profit” organisation. She would make various handicrafts, sell them in the market and then use the proceeds to secretly give charity to the poor people of Medina. Umm Salama had the courage to migrate from Mecca to Medina, unescorted, although she was ultimately accompanied by a single rider. She also had the vision to resolve the crisis at Hudaybiyya. These were all wives of the Prophet. To their names we could add those of many other strong and dynamic women who played a major role in the life of the fledgling Muslim community.
Another issue that is leading to many otherwise eligible women remaining single relates to colour. If a panel of Muslim men, whose origins were in the Muslim world, were to choose Miss World, the title would likely never leave Scandinavia. No matter how beautiful a woman with a brown, black, or even tan complexion was, she would never be quite beautiful enough, because of her skin colour. This attitude informs the way many choose their wives. This is a sensitive issue, but it is one we must address if we are to advance as a community. We may think that ours is a “colourblind” community, however, there are legions of women who have been relegated to the status of unmarriageable social pariahs who would beg to differ.
God has stated that the basis for virtue with Him is piety; not tribe, race, or national origin. (49:13) The Prophet reminded us that God does not look at our physical forms, or at our wealth. Rather, He looks at our hearts and our deeds. (Muslim) We debase ourselves when we exalt what God has belittled. God and His messenger have belittled skin colour and body shape and size as a designator of virtue or distinction. What does it say about us when we use these criteria as truncheons to painfully bludgeon some of the most beautiful women imaginable into social insignificance?
Marriage is not a playground where the ego thoughtlessly pursues its vanities. This is something the chivalrous young man mentioned at the outset of this essay understood. It is an institution that helps a man and a woman pursue the purpose of their creation: to glorify and worship God and to work, within the extent of our capabilities and resources, to make the world a better place for those we share it with and for those we will leave it to. This role is beautifully captured in the Qur’an, “The believing men and women are the supporting friends of each other. They enjoin right, forbid wrong, establish regular prayer, pay the poor due, and they obey God and His Messenger. They expect God’s Mercy. Surely, God is Mighty, Wise.” (9:71)
To read more Imam Zaid Shakir pieces, visit our Reflection Section
Bookmark this |
|
 |
Add to DIGG |
 |
Add to del.icio.us |
 |
Stumble this |
 |
Share on Facebook |
Share this |
|
Send to a Friend |
|
Link to this |
|
Printer Friendly |
|
 |
Print in plain text |
Comments
31 Comments
21
saed
1 Apr 10, 23:08
JAK Mospeeda for your comments. From my experience and from those of a countless number of brothers, many brothers have been "shot down" by sisters because we would "get in the way" of their educational carerrs. And I consider myself to be a good muslim brother who wants to fulfill the sunnah of marrying early. And as Mospeeda says, the blame rests on the parents, who are constantly putting it into their daughters' heads that their self worth is only commensurate to how visible they are in society.
What happens is that many sisters continue with their education, and then once they reach the age of 26 or 27, they expect men to be "knocking at the door."
And I think one has to be careful in using the Prophet's (SAW) wives as examples. Remember, he also married Lady Aisha who was much younger than him. He also married many wives (ie would the average muslim sister be okay with a brother marrying 2-3 wives? :) ). So you can't pick and choose...
22
hopeful
1 Apr 10, 14:34
I would like to thank Imam Zaid for reinforcing the principles of synergy. A couple with the right synergy can complement each others lives and this synergy is not entangled in superficial customs inflicted upon us, by our cultures, which generally determine our choices in marriage. It is something I believe we should all be aware of and take heed of the examples that have been set before us. We all have choices and Allah swt has always given us a choice of two doors and it is our characters that define which one we take. I thank Imam Zaid for highlighting to both men and women to think responsibly when considering our life partners and to be aware of what we have to offer as well as to give to our partners in marriage. It saddens me when i read that men are much more aware of who is having a handshake rather than the beauty in hard-work and resilience which women who are ambitious hold central to their character, which they also take to their marriage. But i respect the debate.
23
hopeful
1 Apr 10, 14:34
I would like to thank Imam Zaid for reinforcing the principles of synergy. A couple with the right synergy can complement each others lives and this synergy is not entangled in superficial customs inflicted upon us, by our cultures, which generally determine our choices in marriage. It is something I believe we should all be aware of and take heed of the examples that have been set before us. We all have choices and Allah swt has always given us a choice of two doors and it is our characters that define which one we take. I thank Imam Zaid for highlighting to both men and women to think responsibly when considering our life partners and to be aware of what we have to offer as well as to give to our partners in marriage. It saddens me when i read that men are much more aware of who is having a handshake rather than the beauty in hard-work and resilience which women who are ambitious hold central to their character, which they also take to their marriage. But i respect the debate.
24
Muslimah
1 Apr 10, 07:00
MashaAllah, Imam Zaid, once again addressing the true issues to the point and speaking the truth. I myself married at twenty-five, and I can say there was certainly a sentiment in the air of if I don't get married quickily I might as well forget it. I did not wait to finish my education, nor did I have a high list of unrealistic criteria for any proposer. In fact my only requirement was piety, which was certainly hard to find. I have a cousin who is now twenty-eight and still unmarried. She's been searching since eighteen and finding it virtually impossible, why? because she's dark-skinned and comes from a divorced family.
I think many men do claim they want an intelligent woman but the reality is they desire an extremely submissive wife who busies herself with domestic chores.
Whilst attraction is a necessary element in marriage, I think what Imam Zaid is saying is that it should not be abandoned, but rather that it should not be the basis for choosing a spouse.
25
3thm4n
1 Apr 10, 06:13
(Continuing from last post)
Now, it's true that some of the women of the pious predecessors did become scholars, have
their own trades, etc. But they did that within certain bounds: the bounds of Shariah. These
days, when it comes to gender interaction amongst Muslims in the United States, the Shariah
is openly contravened. Whereas Allah (SWT) has clearly ordered for the believing men and
believing women to lower their gazes, very few are those who obey this commandment of
Allah in Surah Noor. Please think "as long as I don't commit zina with him/her, it's OK." Yet as
the hadeeth of the Prophet (SAW) states, zina is also in looking past the first glance and
talking unnecessarily. Now our mothers, sisters, daughters, and wives are looking at the
'Shaykh' giving a lecture about 'deen'. And the 'Shaykh' (who, Allah-forbid, seems impervious
to the Qur'anic injunction) is looking back at them. But the Prophet (SAW) and the Sahaba
(RA) had a purdah/curtain between them and the women.
26
3thm4n
1 Apr 10, 06:02
Br. Mohamed Mospeeda, may Allah bless you for
speaking about the other 800-lb gorilla in the room:
feminism. As long as women think they have the
same job as men, they will continue to be
incompatible, unsuitable marriage partners. (Not to
say men don't have their own problems - don't get
me wrong.)
Allah (SWT) mentions in Surah Layl (trans.), "By the
Night as it conceals (the light); By the Day as it
appears in glory; By (the mystery of) the creation
of male and female; Verily, (the ends) ye strive for
are diverse."
A shaykh explained these ayahs such: Just as Allah
(SWT) has created night and day for different
purposes, Allah (SWT) created female and male for
different jobs. The day is created for work, and the
night for rest. You can't tell the day to do the job of
the night and the night to do the job of the day. You
can't say the day is better than the night or the
night is better than the day. Thereby, the argument
of the feminists is refuted.
27
Mohamed Mospeeda
1 Apr 10, 03:39
With all due respect to Imam Zaid, I (as an American-born muslim male) strongly disagree with much of what you wrote. While your point regarding trying to rise above “personality quirks” and overlooking some physical traits when looking for a spouse are well-taken, I would like to take exception with the following:
- “why are so many Muslim men averse to marrying older…women?”
The answer is the 800 lb. gorilla that is not mentioned when this question is asked: fertility. It is harder for women to conceive as they enter their late twenties and beyond. Most Muslim men I know want to become fathers, and the simple rules of biology favor youth.
The second answer is not so much that men are averse as it is that many of these older sisters purposefully delay marriage and willfully reject perfectly qualified suitors in order to pursue their advanced studies and professional degrees. I mostly blame their parents for not preparing them for marriage and instead fostering an attitude that “I have to complete all my advanced training and then, years later, ‘Here I am, who’s ready to marry me!’”
- I find it distasteful that these days when I often read and hear Muslim leaders encourage Muslim women to become more assertive and independent they allude to the fact that Lady Khadija was a business woman. At least she wasn’t one in the modern sense (I.e. free mixing, traveling unaccompanied to distant locales to conduct business, shaking hands with men, etc.). We respect that the Mothers of the Believers had abilities and charisma, but they weren’t feminists (like so many of today’s empowered Muslimas) and had purer motives and priorities; and they didn’t neglect their domestic duties.
-We honor the marriage of the Holy Prophet PBUH to lady Khadija, and clearly their age difference illustrates that marrying an older woman is noble and not to be stigmatized; but it is simply unrealistic to expect a lot of men to follow suit. It is a fact that even in non-muslim western societies it is not very common that the average wife’s age is greater than her husband. Men and women are different, and they look for slightly different things as being desirable in the opposite sex. I’m sorry, but most men will not go for an older wife. You’ll have to re-wire our brains for most of us to do otherwise.
- “Why are so many of our brothers so hesitant to marry strong, independent and intellectually astute women?”
I don’t think most Muslim men object to having an intelligent, educated wife. What they don’t find desirable is that some Muslim women look down on marriage as some kind of hindrance and are refusing to marry and have kids until they complete college and post graduate degrees. To make things worse, many of these women will come with hefty (interest bearing) student loans that mandate that she work full time for the first several years of their married life. This can cause a strain on the marriage that some men frankly won’t want to take on that unnecessary headache.
- “Many Muslim men will pass over talented, educated women who are willing to put their careers and education on hold, if need be, to commit to a family.”
I flat out disagree. It can be and often is the other way around. From my experience and that of those brothers I know, it seems that it is many of the Muslim sisters who are rejecting qualified Muslim men in order to pursue their professional and worldly ambitions. I respectfully believe that the Imam and many other community leaders are out of touch on this point, and they do not consider the fact their rhetoric over the years (in order to prove the Islam liberates women, yadda yadda yadda…) has so empowered Muslim girls to the point that some believe that they can only find worth in pursuing years and years of education and not to “succumb” to marrying early. This effect is irrespective of whether it was the intention or not.
I really think the trend these days is to continue to bash the brothers and blame them for the current impasse in the Muslim marriage “market.” I can tell you there are many Muslim women who are exacerbating the situation by declining sincere offers from upstanding brothers to marry early in order to pursue their professional dreams. At the same time, some sisters will also desire all the privileges of a “traditional” wife such as a hefty dowry, a lavish wedding, and an ever-patient husband with will “support me” in her endeavors until she is finally ready to settle down and have a family.
In the meantime, most Muslim males won’t bother to wait. They will either find the willing, young sister who wants to marry, or they will pursue their desires illicitly (to the detriment of their soul and that of the community). As long as our Muslim leaders don’t address the situation in a truly balanced manner with a real understanding of what’s going on, things will become more acute. I don’t think projecting our ideas of what a modern, “liberated” woman does onto the Prophet’s wives PBUH is a correct or honest approach.
28
Mohamed Mospeeda
1 Apr 10, 03:38
With all due respect to Imam Zaid, I (as an American-born muslim male) strongly disagree with much of what you wrote. While your point regarding trying to rise above “personality quirks” and overlooking some physical traits when looking for a spouse are well-taken, I would like to take exception with the following:
- “why are so many Muslim men averse to marrying older…women?”
The answer is the 800 lb. gorilla that is not mentioned when this question is asked: fertility. It is harder for women to conceive as they enter their late twenties and beyond. Most Muslim men I know want to become fathers, and the simple rules of biology favor youth.
The second answer is not so much that men are averse as it is that many of these older sisters purposefully delay marriage and willfully reject perfectly qualified suitors in order to pursue their advanced studies and professional degrees. I mostly blame their parents for not preparing them for marriage and instead fostering an attitude that “I have to complete all my advanced training and then, years later, ‘Here I am, who’s ready to marry me!’”
- I find it distasteful that these days when I often read and hear Muslim leaders encourage Muslim women to become more assertive and independent they allude to the fact that Lady Khadija was a business woman. At least she wasn’t one in the modern sense (I.e. free mixing, traveling unaccompanied to distant locales to conduct business, shaking hands with men, etc.). We respect that the Mothers of the Believers had abilities and charisma, but they weren’t feminists (like so many of today’s empowered Muslimas) and had purer motives and priorities; and they didn’t neglect their domestic duties.
-We honor the marriage of the Holy Prophet PBUH to lady Khadija, and clearly their age difference illustrates that marrying an older woman is noble and not to be stigmatized; but it is simply unrealistic to expect a lot of men to follow suit. It is a fact that even in non-muslim western societies it is not very common that the average wife’s age is greater than her husband. Men and women are different, and they look for slightly different things as being desirable in the opposite sex. I’m sorry, but most men will not go for an older wife. You’ll have to re-wire our brains for most of us to do otherwise.
- “Why are so many of our brothers so hesitant to marry strong, independent and intellectually astute women?”
I don’t think most Muslim men object to having an intelligent, educated wife. What they don’t find desirable is that some Muslim women look down on marriage as some kind of hindrance and are refusing to marry and have kids until they complete college and post graduate degrees. To make things worse, many of these women will come with hefty (interest bearing) student loans that mandate that she work full time for the first several years of their married life. This can cause a strain on the marriage that some men frankly won’t want to take on that unnecessary headache.
- “Many Muslim men will pass over talented, educated women who are willing to put their careers and education on hold, if need be, to commit to a family.”
I flat out disagree. It can be and often is the other way around. From my experience and that of those brothers I know, it seems that it is many of the Muslim sisters who are rejecting qualified Muslim men in order to pursue their professional and worldly ambitions. I respectfully believe that the Imam and many other community leaders are out of touch on this point, and they do not consider the fact their rhetoric over the years (in order to prove the Islam liberates women, yadda yadda yadda…) has so empowered Muslim girls to the point that some believe that they can only find worth in pursuing years and years of education and not to “succumb” to marrying early. This effect is irrespective of whether it was the intention or not.
I really think the trend these days is to continue to bash the brothers and blame them for the current impasse in the Muslim marriage “market.” I can tell you there are many Muslim women who are exacerbating the situation by declining sincere offers from upstanding brothers to marry early in order to pursue their professional dreams. At the same time, some sisters will also desire all the privileges of a “traditional” wife such as a hefty dowry, a lavish wedding, and an ever-patient husband with will “support me” in her endeavors until she is finally ready to settle down and have a family.
In the meantime, most Muslim males won’t bother to wait. They will either find the willing, young sister who wants to marry, or they will pursue their desires illicitly (to the detriment of their soul and that of the community). As long as our Muslim leaders don’t address the situation in a truly balanced manner with a real understanding of what’s going on, things will become more acute. I don’t think projecting our ideas of what a modern, “liberated” woman does onto the Prophet’s wives PBUH is a correct or honest approach.
29
spiderman
1 Apr 10, 03:13
Cowgirl, I don't think Imam Zaid is trying to say anything about Muslim men's preferences across the board. I also know extremely bright and educated women of darker complexion who are happily married, alhamdulillah.
Regarding your last comment, our older unmarried sisters should be respected. You know nothing of the piety or life experiences of those women. Masha'Allah it seems like you were blessed to find a good husband in your twenties, but not everyone has had the same opportunities as you. And I don't think anyone has a right to tell another person that they are being too picky. We do not know their situations.
May Allah (swt) reward Imam Zaid for drawing attention to this important issue, and may we have the guidance to do better with the next generation.
30
cowgirl
31 Mar 10, 10:17
It seems to me the writer is putting the blame on
the man for the single Muslim women's plight.
There are many women who leave things too late,
being too picky when choosing a partner, etc. I am
university educated and of brown complexion, so I
find it insulting when you write Muslim men would
rather marry uneducated fair women. Granted, I
am much younger than my husband but I married
in my twenties when he was in his mid-thirties. So,
if as you say there are lots of men in their thirties,
why aren't these women marrying them when they
are twenty-something. Perhaps they are too busy
having too much fun just like the men?
31
Maverick
30 Mar 10, 18:36
salamualaikum
I think part of the problem is also proper parenting. If parents raise their boys to have little or no clue what chivalry is, then its to the emotional and marital detriment of our Muslim women. I don't know if much can be done about the current generation of 18 - 30 yr old men, but we can certainly do something about the next generation.
One thing I find that guys really have to get over is the whole divorcee thing. A woman who is divorced still carries much of the same value as if she was never married. I really hate it when I see other Muslim guys turn a woman down just because she was previously married. It reduces you from being a man to just a mere male, simply because you insist on having "fresh" fruit, when in fact marriage is much more about other things.
32
1R4M
29 Mar 10, 19:26
Many brothers who put off marriage until they are past thirty-five will oftentimes marry someone close to half their age, passing over a generation of women who are intellectually and psychologically more compatible with them and would prove wiser parents for their children.
Thank God someone said this
its an unfortunate truth
but the truth is that men always go for someone younger
Page 2 of 2